Yesterday, I was contemplating not even going to graduate school if that was not in accord with the Divine decision on the matter. Later that evening, however, I became obsessed with determining whether or not I got in. I haven’t decided if I’m going yet, yet I’m obsessed about whether or not I even have the opportunity to go.
There seems to be only one explanation for this: my pride is, to some extent, riding on the back of my applications. If I don’t get in, I will likely feel a bit invalidated and disappointed. If I do get in…well…you get the point.
In my current angst, I am living as if there is no God. How can the acceptance of mere mortals have any bearing on me if I am mindful of the fact that the Divine dotes on me daily? I will not check my email with the intent of finding out graduate school decisions for now on. Hopefully, by living like there is a God, i.e., living like I receive my validation from a Divine source, I will begin to believe it.
I am confident that God likes me a little bit. However, I am not confident that things will just “work out o.k.” How am I supposed to believe that “everything will be just fine” when the earthquake in Japan happened. (This, by the way, is terribly selfish of me to make a tragedy for 100,000s of people about me.) I can live like there is God in this respect, but I have to live like there is a God who would let something like this happen, and that means that some crappy things could happen to me. Although, not nearly as terrible as what happened in Japan.
Not getting in, however, would have little long term impact. In fact, the only upsetting thing about the matter would be the feeling of invalidation that I might experience. If this feeling is gone, however, then I should have nothing to be anxious about. Amen.