Evidence That I Suck

For the first time in 44 days (since I started this project), I woke up this morning thinking about my life as a disciple. For someone who is supposed to be devoted to following God, this is a pretty sad statistic: I’m 1 for 44.

To make matters worse, my first thoughts were, “Today, I want to be Yours [God’s].” I said “today” in contrast to yesterday, which, despite my consistent reminder of how I ought to be spending my life, was largely spent doing what I wanted and not seeking the Divine while doing it. Looks like I haven’t quite learned my lesson from “Lateness, the Eschatos, and Heresy.”

Its interesting to look at this situation from a metaphorical perspective. I am rather like that hesitant fellow who said, “let me go say goodbye to my family before I follow you [Jesus].” Jesus replies, “nah. peace out. You’re not fit to be my follower.”

That’s crazy! Just like that, this dude has lost his opportunity to follow Jesus. How do we square that theological circle? It seems like this dude’s loss of opportunity is more than momentary. If “service in the kingdom of God” is a salvivic kind of service, then does this dude miss out on heaven?

And if this dude misses out, do I? When I hold back one day or one ounce of myself, do I miss heaven? Certainly. For some reason, though, I don’t think my decision has this eternal significance (unlike the dude in this passage), i.e., I don’t think my decision is permanently cutting me off from service.

In fact, I suppose there’s reason to think that I’m not permanently cut off.  Repentance is, after all, a pretty big word in Jesus’ lexicon. So, perhaps my first thought of the day can be re-appropriated so that it is not just evidence of how much I suck, but also evidence of the grace of God.

I suck.

BUT

I also want to “turn around.”

Help me to do that today, God.

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