A Glimpse Into the Primal Self

If Freud’s theories are at all accurate, then this morning I may have caught a glimpse of one of my “subconscious” desires. Perhaps this desire is something that drives many of my actions, and affects the way that I see the world and the people around me.

This morning, I remember thinking, “But how do you get people to follow you?” That was the question on my mind. I have no idea why it was on my mind. It seemed like it was a part of a larger inner dialogue that I was having with myself in between the stages of sleep and wake.

Let’s suppose that it is though, i.e., lets suppose that it is a glimpse into the primal self (this might be a huge stretch to suppose this). What am I to think about the fact that there is a deep part of me that desires to know how to get people to follow me?

I think perhaps it highlights one of the central defects in my following of God. True disciples are willing to say, “I must become less, so that he can become more”. I, on the other hand, want to be more, and I don’t often care about God’s glory.

But why should I care about the glory of God? Perhaps this is where I inject “the right” into my faith. Or perhaps it is possible to account for this ought (to increase the glory of God) in terms of “the good”. Perhaps I could say that glorifying God is my purpose, and thus, to fulfill that will lead to my happiness. This, however, seems entirely foreign to the textual passages about God’s glory. (That doesn’t necessarily mean that its wrong.) Even if this wasn’t the case, there’s something fishing about turning something about God’s glory into my happiness. Perhaps I took The Dangerous Duty of Delight a bit too seriously.

Is this even important? Is accounting for this “ought” in terms of “the good” or “the right” going to help me accomplish it more effectively? I’ve already been thinking of it in terms of “the good”. I seriously doubt that recasting this ought in terms of “the right” will do anything for my motivation, so let’s think practically here. What can I tangibly do to make myself better at this command of lessening my ego.

Or maybe what I need to do is less tangible and more introspective. Perhaps I should be looking at how failing at lessening my ego is both “bad” and “wrong”. Perhaps, then, I will be more motivated to quit sucking.

Fortunately, I think God’s already got me started on that road. I was reading this book yesterday, and the authors were making fun of, what they call, philosophy graduate student disease. They said that the disease was characterized by an absurdly excessive concern for “perceived and actual smartness”. I had to laugh. I know that I had that disease this past semester. Free me from that. I’ve been freed from too many other social norms to enslave myself again to the culture of academia.

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